Thoughts Which Plague Me

So, the most recent plaguing thoughts have been rooted in time and how I spend it. Quite often, I feel guilty about how I spend my time. Some would say I waste my time, even I might say this. I only say it's wasted because I could be getting other things done that are, perhaps, more important, not because I don't enjoy wasting time (mostly). But what I can't understand is how my flat can get so utterly messy in a matter of a couple of days, sometimes not even! This leads me to another frustration: I used to be a neat freak. Now, I am neat, or try to be, but it's not high on the list of important things. I credit a few things to this change: having a total opposite for a roommate in college and having to compromise my cleanliness for something in between. There's also the fact that I've realized there are much more important things in life than keeping a spic 'n' span residence...that came after my "vacation" to Lebanon. For those of you who don't know, I traveled to Lebanon about two years ago to do some mission work with a friend, to arrive and days later, have a war start between Hizbollah (the guerilla army in Lebanon) and Israel. Well, that ended in me being evacuated with most of the country (except for my friend and her family, friends, co-workers, etc.). After which I experienced what the doc said was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...or shell shock. Well, anyway, back to my point, cleaning didn't hold it's high position like before after that experience. However, it is still important. But how can I convince myself to not make a mess? Or to simply put something back after I've used it?

Does this change after you're married? Or after you have kids? Do you become a cleaner, neater, more organized, disciplined person? If so, I want a husband and child right now!

Even my thoughts aren't very organized tonight.

Well, there are several things that I don't like about myself. Lack of cleaning often enough that I don't have to make a day out of it when I do is one of those things. Not working before playing is another. Not sitting up straight another. Hating to cook is yet another. Being disorganized when I used to, as a kid, be so so so utterly organized it was sickening is another. Not being so good at math these days... forgetting things as though I'm an 80-year old woman with Alzheimers... being grumpy sometimes... not knowing what I want in life... not knowing where I'm going... being in a culture other than my own and feeling like everyone hates me--and letting that conquer my thoughts more often than not. Writing posts like these.

I continue to hope that marrying and having children will change these not-so-good qualities into more loving, self-sacrificing, God-centered thoughts and qualities.

The next post will be more uplifting, I swear.