A Long One...

I'm a slacker, but at least I can admit it. It's been a long time since I last wrote. More than a month!! I know, even I can't believe it. But now that I've got that off my chest...

Here are some things that have been happening.

December was a really good month, overall. I think it was my favorite month of teaching to date. Perhaps also the worst. But with some of my classes, I was able to build stronger and better relationships than ever. I had a lot of fun teaching last month. It seemed like, at least with some groups, lesson planning was so easy because I knew that whatever I brought to class, it would be good. Of course, that wasn't true for all of my classes, but I'm not complaining. Beggars can't be choosers.

December was simply a month of many joys. I also spent a lot of quality time with some dear friends. I did a lot of baking with them. We prepared for Christmas, we celebrated Christmas together, and it was a time of euphoria.

Until.

I got a call from home. Actually, I called home. It was Christmas day and my parents were celebrating Christmas with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. My brothers were elsewhere with their families. Anyway... That was the day I found out my grandpa has Leukemia. I was a little prepared for it, but not prepared for how taken aback I would be when the news was confirmed, especially by him. I knew he was having tests done at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. And I thought the chances of him having Leukemia were pretty steep considering we've observed him having some blood problems and a rather palish, but oddly dark complection. I know it's a contradiction in terms...but it's hard to explain how he looked. Anyway, the point is that the news was hard to take, especially coming from him. And especially knowing what our whole family collectively knows. My great aunt, my grandpa's sister, died of Leukemia, and my grandpa was the one that took her to her chemotherapy treatments, saw her suffer through the treatments with the immune system weakening, huge doses of morphine, hair loss, and other side effects such as shaking, then having to get around with a walker.

It's hard. He's my only living grandpa. By some token I'd be really happy if he were released from this earthly life. On the other hand... well, there's a lot on the other hand. He's my only living grandpa. He's been handed a death sentence, so this isn't just like he's going to pass from earthly life to eternal life without some conscious knowledge that it could be very soon or that it could be rather painful. And on a rather petty note--he'd be leaving a huge mess for the family, namely my mom. He's a pack rat. He's still running a business and it's running straight into the ground (and actually, my mom is the one left with all the business). The business has been up for sale for more than a year now and it's still not sold (unless, fingers crossed, it sold a few days ago). And the most devastating thing for me to watch out of this is my mom's suffering. Without me. I'm 6,000 miles away, helpless. What can I do except call home when she's extremely busy to begin with, only to delay her with a phone call that maybe helps her to not think about the circumstances for a while, and me knowing that her only solice from me is my saying, "yeah...yeah....yeah.... but it will get better." And that's not true solice, because it's a blind lie. It's probably not going to get better. At least not before it gets much worse.

So, another insight into my mom's suffering. She worked for my grandpa for 26 or so years. She was manager, but treated like dirt for being the boss's daughter, paid dirt because everyone else was coming from higher end jobs and demanding more, so she took the pay cuts. The job was a total nightmare for her for about 25.5 years. My dad and I finally talked her into giving up her job there (after not even being able to cash her paychecks for almost a year), and take a lower-paying job (? sort of...considering she wasn't actually cashing any paychecks) as the church secretary. But note: my dad also owns his own business. He and my mom do all the work, my mom doing all the bookwork. So, there's another job.

So here she is now. She's the church secretary--full-time job. She's doing my dad's bookwork, the bookwork for their personal accounts, my bookwork (against my will), my grandparent's bookwork, and STILL doing the bookwork for my grandpa's business. Oh, yeah. And payroll. Oh... and still not cashed any of those paychecks. Which she might never be able to do considering the business is already in-the-hole. And now, we have to add in, where there's no more room, that she must now also try to sell my grandpa's business while dealing with this news, not knowing what she's doing, and knowing that whatever this business sells for is what my grandparents have to live on for the rest of their earthly lives. Did I mention that the business is already in the hole? Well, she's got to keep it running until someone buys it, and that's hard to do when there's no money.

AGH! I'm so sick of watching this from the sidelines, helpless. If I were a millionaire, I could assure my mom that she'd never have to see more bookwork or business deals in her life!

So...this isn't as refreshing of a blog as I originally thought it would be. But now it's out there, lightening the load? Not totally. Not much at all. But somehow I feel a little bit better.

Well, that's the deep, dark alleyway that I'm walking through right now. And I'd like to say that my first week back into teaching went well, but I'm not so sure it did. I was too much of a mental case.

And the week before, two other missionary girls and I went to England (London, Stratford-Upon-Avon, Bath), and I'd love to say it was great, but I had a lot on my mind, got off to a bad start by forgetting my passport at home, missing my flight, getting there a day and a half later... anyway, I had a lot on my mind and wasn't digesting it healthily and was therefore quite grouchy. That, and a few instances during the trip (such as me tripping twice in one morning, scraping my knee) made me an even more pleasant travel companion, I'm sure.

I'm trying to look on the bright side tho. At least I have a grandpa, and I have family to suffer with. And I do feel this so that means I'm not dead inside. And I know that God is in control. I know that He tests us in new ways all the time...but that things work out for good to those than love Him. And I know (from personal experience) that these great trials are used to strengthen us and eventually help someone who's going through the same or similar situation.
And in regards to the trip. I was grouchy and I'm not ready to apologize for that. I apologize for my less-than-helpful behavior/attitude at times, though. And I'm still not forgetting my blessings... that I was able to go to England. That I am in that percentage of less than half the population of the world that might ever even consider going to England or travelling abroad, period. That I have friends to travel with. That, even though it was a rather (too) expensive trip, the money will be replenished. That even if that money were to not be replenished, I'm still taken care of. That we three girls were kept out of harm's way. That I didn't have a horrible day every day. That I was able to get my mind off things for at least a few minutes each day. That, above all, my God is stronger and mightier than any petty thing, problem, disease, arguement, dark alley of life...anything and everything. And He's MY God. And He loves me. He loves me more than is even imaginable. More than I love my cats, my brothers, my grandparents, mom, dad, nieces, nephews, friends, best friends...more than all of those put together!!! And He loves my whole family, and everyone I care about. And He's in control.

See, life isn't bad at all if you just put it in perspective.

I mean, really: what is earthly suffering anyway? MAYBE 100 years, let's say 0-105 years on the earth. That's like tiny time. It's like that 15-minute coffee break that's always too short...at least compared to the time eternal that we'll have with Jesus. This is the road to patience...and toleration (in a good sense). And I'm still so richly blessed that it blows my mind. How can anyone deny God?