I think my cats have fleas...again.
They're both less than happy with me right now as I've just given them very thourough baths. And locked them in the bathroom while I attempt to clean the flat as well as I can...
Will be calling the vet for some of that good ol' liquid flea-killer again. And for their shots. Ugh.
Will I get everything done before Thursday? I mean Wednesday... as I apparently have no ride to the airport, so instead of 24 hours of traveling, it will be 48. Woo. I'm so excited.
...reminding myself it could be worse, it could be worse.... St. Paul....thorn....grace...enough...so silence yourself...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Long One...
I'm a slacker, but at least I can admit it. It's been a long time since I last wrote. More than a month!! I know, even I can't believe it. But now that I've got that off my chest...
Here are some things that have been happening.
December was a really good month, overall. I think it was my favorite month of teaching to date. Perhaps also the worst. But with some of my classes, I was able to build stronger and better relationships than ever. I had a lot of fun teaching last month. It seemed like, at least with some groups, lesson planning was so easy because I knew that whatever I brought to class, it would be good. Of course, that wasn't true for all of my classes, but I'm not complaining. Beggars can't be choosers.
December was simply a month of many joys. I also spent a lot of quality time with some dear friends. I did a lot of baking with them. We prepared for Christmas, we celebrated Christmas together, and it was a time of euphoria.
Until.
I got a call from home. Actually, I called home. It was Christmas day and my parents were celebrating Christmas with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. My brothers were elsewhere with their families. Anyway... That was the day I found out my grandpa has Leukemia. I was a little prepared for it, but not prepared for how taken aback I would be when the news was confirmed, especially by him. I knew he was having tests done at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. And I thought the chances of him having Leukemia were pretty steep considering we've observed him having some blood problems and a rather palish, but oddly dark complection. I know it's a contradiction in terms...but it's hard to explain how he looked. Anyway, the point is that the news was hard to take, especially coming from him. And especially knowing what our whole family collectively knows. My great aunt, my grandpa's sister, died of Leukemia, and my grandpa was the one that took her to her chemotherapy treatments, saw her suffer through the treatments with the immune system weakening, huge doses of morphine, hair loss, and other side effects such as shaking, then having to get around with a walker.
It's hard. He's my only living grandpa. By some token I'd be really happy if he were released from this earthly life. On the other hand... well, there's a lot on the other hand. He's my only living grandpa. He's been handed a death sentence, so this isn't just like he's going to pass from earthly life to eternal life without some conscious knowledge that it could be very soon or that it could be rather painful. And on a rather petty note--he'd be leaving a huge mess for the family, namely my mom. He's a pack rat. He's still running a business and it's running straight into the ground (and actually, my mom is the one left with all the business). The business has been up for sale for more than a year now and it's still not sold (unless, fingers crossed, it sold a few days ago). And the most devastating thing for me to watch out of this is my mom's suffering. Without me. I'm 6,000 miles away, helpless. What can I do except call home when she's extremely busy to begin with, only to delay her with a phone call that maybe helps her to not think about the circumstances for a while, and me knowing that her only solice from me is my saying, "yeah...yeah....yeah.... but it will get better." And that's not true solice, because it's a blind lie. It's probably not going to get better. At least not before it gets much worse.
So, another insight into my mom's suffering. She worked for my grandpa for 26 or so years. She was manager, but treated like dirt for being the boss's daughter, paid dirt because everyone else was coming from higher end jobs and demanding more, so she took the pay cuts. The job was a total nightmare for her for about 25.5 years. My dad and I finally talked her into giving up her job there (after not even being able to cash her paychecks for almost a year), and take a lower-paying job (? sort of...considering she wasn't actually cashing any paychecks) as the church secretary. But note: my dad also owns his own business. He and my mom do all the work, my mom doing all the bookwork. So, there's another job.
So here she is now. She's the church secretary--full-time job. She's doing my dad's bookwork, the bookwork for their personal accounts, my bookwork (against my will), my grandparent's bookwork, and STILL doing the bookwork for my grandpa's business. Oh, yeah. And payroll. Oh... and still not cashed any of those paychecks. Which she might never be able to do considering the business is already in-the-hole. And now, we have to add in, where there's no more room, that she must now also try to sell my grandpa's business while dealing with this news, not knowing what she's doing, and knowing that whatever this business sells for is what my grandparents have to live on for the rest of their earthly lives. Did I mention that the business is already in the hole? Well, she's got to keep it running until someone buys it, and that's hard to do when there's no money.
AGH! I'm so sick of watching this from the sidelines, helpless. If I were a millionaire, I could assure my mom that she'd never have to see more bookwork or business deals in her life!
So...this isn't as refreshing of a blog as I originally thought it would be. But now it's out there, lightening the load? Not totally. Not much at all. But somehow I feel a little bit better.
Well, that's the deep, dark alleyway that I'm walking through right now. And I'd like to say that my first week back into teaching went well, but I'm not so sure it did. I was too much of a mental case.
And the week before, two other missionary girls and I went to England (London, Stratford-Upon-Avon, Bath), and I'd love to say it was great, but I had a lot on my mind, got off to a bad start by forgetting my passport at home, missing my flight, getting there a day and a half later... anyway, I had a lot on my mind and wasn't digesting it healthily and was therefore quite grouchy. That, and a few instances during the trip (such as me tripping twice in one morning, scraping my knee) made me an even more pleasant travel companion, I'm sure.
I'm trying to look on the bright side tho. At least I have a grandpa, and I have family to suffer with. And I do feel this so that means I'm not dead inside. And I know that God is in control. I know that He tests us in new ways all the time...but that things work out for good to those than love Him. And I know (from personal experience) that these great trials are used to strengthen us and eventually help someone who's going through the same or similar situation.
And in regards to the trip. I was grouchy and I'm not ready to apologize for that. I apologize for my less-than-helpful behavior/attitude at times, though. And I'm still not forgetting my blessings... that I was able to go to England. That I am in that percentage of less than half the population of the world that might ever even consider going to England or travelling abroad, period. That I have friends to travel with. That, even though it was a rather (too) expensive trip, the money will be replenished. That even if that money were to not be replenished, I'm still taken care of. That we three girls were kept out of harm's way. That I didn't have a horrible day every day. That I was able to get my mind off things for at least a few minutes each day. That, above all, my God is stronger and mightier than any petty thing, problem, disease, arguement, dark alley of life...anything and everything. And He's MY God. And He loves me. He loves me more than is even imaginable. More than I love my cats, my brothers, my grandparents, mom, dad, nieces, nephews, friends, best friends...more than all of those put together!!! And He loves my whole family, and everyone I care about. And He's in control.
See, life isn't bad at all if you just put it in perspective.
I mean, really: what is earthly suffering anyway? MAYBE 100 years, let's say 0-105 years on the earth. That's like tiny time. It's like that 15-minute coffee break that's always too short...at least compared to the time eternal that we'll have with Jesus. This is the road to patience...and toleration (in a good sense). And I'm still so richly blessed that it blows my mind. How can anyone deny God?
Here are some things that have been happening.
December was a really good month, overall. I think it was my favorite month of teaching to date. Perhaps also the worst. But with some of my classes, I was able to build stronger and better relationships than ever. I had a lot of fun teaching last month. It seemed like, at least with some groups, lesson planning was so easy because I knew that whatever I brought to class, it would be good. Of course, that wasn't true for all of my classes, but I'm not complaining. Beggars can't be choosers.
December was simply a month of many joys. I also spent a lot of quality time with some dear friends. I did a lot of baking with them. We prepared for Christmas, we celebrated Christmas together, and it was a time of euphoria.
Until.
I got a call from home. Actually, I called home. It was Christmas day and my parents were celebrating Christmas with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. My brothers were elsewhere with their families. Anyway... That was the day I found out my grandpa has Leukemia. I was a little prepared for it, but not prepared for how taken aback I would be when the news was confirmed, especially by him. I knew he was having tests done at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. And I thought the chances of him having Leukemia were pretty steep considering we've observed him having some blood problems and a rather palish, but oddly dark complection. I know it's a contradiction in terms...but it's hard to explain how he looked. Anyway, the point is that the news was hard to take, especially coming from him. And especially knowing what our whole family collectively knows. My great aunt, my grandpa's sister, died of Leukemia, and my grandpa was the one that took her to her chemotherapy treatments, saw her suffer through the treatments with the immune system weakening, huge doses of morphine, hair loss, and other side effects such as shaking, then having to get around with a walker.
It's hard. He's my only living grandpa. By some token I'd be really happy if he were released from this earthly life. On the other hand... well, there's a lot on the other hand. He's my only living grandpa. He's been handed a death sentence, so this isn't just like he's going to pass from earthly life to eternal life without some conscious knowledge that it could be very soon or that it could be rather painful. And on a rather petty note--he'd be leaving a huge mess for the family, namely my mom. He's a pack rat. He's still running a business and it's running straight into the ground (and actually, my mom is the one left with all the business). The business has been up for sale for more than a year now and it's still not sold (unless, fingers crossed, it sold a few days ago). And the most devastating thing for me to watch out of this is my mom's suffering. Without me. I'm 6,000 miles away, helpless. What can I do except call home when she's extremely busy to begin with, only to delay her with a phone call that maybe helps her to not think about the circumstances for a while, and me knowing that her only solice from me is my saying, "yeah...yeah....yeah.... but it will get better." And that's not true solice, because it's a blind lie. It's probably not going to get better. At least not before it gets much worse.
So, another insight into my mom's suffering. She worked for my grandpa for 26 or so years. She was manager, but treated like dirt for being the boss's daughter, paid dirt because everyone else was coming from higher end jobs and demanding more, so she took the pay cuts. The job was a total nightmare for her for about 25.5 years. My dad and I finally talked her into giving up her job there (after not even being able to cash her paychecks for almost a year), and take a lower-paying job (? sort of...considering she wasn't actually cashing any paychecks) as the church secretary. But note: my dad also owns his own business. He and my mom do all the work, my mom doing all the bookwork. So, there's another job.
So here she is now. She's the church secretary--full-time job. She's doing my dad's bookwork, the bookwork for their personal accounts, my bookwork (against my will), my grandparent's bookwork, and STILL doing the bookwork for my grandpa's business. Oh, yeah. And payroll. Oh... and still not cashed any of those paychecks. Which she might never be able to do considering the business is already in-the-hole. And now, we have to add in, where there's no more room, that she must now also try to sell my grandpa's business while dealing with this news, not knowing what she's doing, and knowing that whatever this business sells for is what my grandparents have to live on for the rest of their earthly lives. Did I mention that the business is already in the hole? Well, she's got to keep it running until someone buys it, and that's hard to do when there's no money.
AGH! I'm so sick of watching this from the sidelines, helpless. If I were a millionaire, I could assure my mom that she'd never have to see more bookwork or business deals in her life!
So...this isn't as refreshing of a blog as I originally thought it would be. But now it's out there, lightening the load? Not totally. Not much at all. But somehow I feel a little bit better.
Well, that's the deep, dark alleyway that I'm walking through right now. And I'd like to say that my first week back into teaching went well, but I'm not so sure it did. I was too much of a mental case.
And the week before, two other missionary girls and I went to England (London, Stratford-Upon-Avon, Bath), and I'd love to say it was great, but I had a lot on my mind, got off to a bad start by forgetting my passport at home, missing my flight, getting there a day and a half later... anyway, I had a lot on my mind and wasn't digesting it healthily and was therefore quite grouchy. That, and a few instances during the trip (such as me tripping twice in one morning, scraping my knee) made me an even more pleasant travel companion, I'm sure.
I'm trying to look on the bright side tho. At least I have a grandpa, and I have family to suffer with. And I do feel this so that means I'm not dead inside. And I know that God is in control. I know that He tests us in new ways all the time...but that things work out for good to those than love Him. And I know (from personal experience) that these great trials are used to strengthen us and eventually help someone who's going through the same or similar situation.
And in regards to the trip. I was grouchy and I'm not ready to apologize for that. I apologize for my less-than-helpful behavior/attitude at times, though. And I'm still not forgetting my blessings... that I was able to go to England. That I am in that percentage of less than half the population of the world that might ever even consider going to England or travelling abroad, period. That I have friends to travel with. That, even though it was a rather (too) expensive trip, the money will be replenished. That even if that money were to not be replenished, I'm still taken care of. That we three girls were kept out of harm's way. That I didn't have a horrible day every day. That I was able to get my mind off things for at least a few minutes each day. That, above all, my God is stronger and mightier than any petty thing, problem, disease, arguement, dark alley of life...anything and everything. And He's MY God. And He loves me. He loves me more than is even imaginable. More than I love my cats, my brothers, my grandparents, mom, dad, nieces, nephews, friends, best friends...more than all of those put together!!! And He loves my whole family, and everyone I care about. And He's in control.
See, life isn't bad at all if you just put it in perspective.
I mean, really: what is earthly suffering anyway? MAYBE 100 years, let's say 0-105 years on the earth. That's like tiny time. It's like that 15-minute coffee break that's always too short...at least compared to the time eternal that we'll have with Jesus. This is the road to patience...and toleration (in a good sense). And I'm still so richly blessed that it blows my mind. How can anyone deny God?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A Day in the Kitchen
I spent my free day today with a German friend who's living in Poland. She likes to come over sometimes to bake; we usually use some of my recipes, but today we used hers! And they were good! They brought back some memories of cookies my grandma and aunt used to make. I have no idea what we called them in English, and I can't really remember the German names, either. But here they are!
Kurpferl ??
A pie-shell type dough, rolled up, baked, and covered in a powdered sugar and vanilla sugar mix.
Yum!!
Don't remember what they're called, but same thing: pie-shell type mix, rolled into a ball, poke a dent into it with the handle of a wooden spoon, carefully put in some black-currant jam. Then bake, remove from oven, sprinkle powdered sugar & vanilla sugar mix onto it.My favorites were these. They are made out of egg whites, almonds, and dates...probably some sugar, too. I wasn't watching my friend the whole time, so I didn't catch everything that went in... they aren't like anything I've seen before, but they sure are yummy! And soft and gooey.
A sample overview.I'll be getting the recipes soon, I hope! If you're interested, I'll post them. I'm also going to be learning how to make some Polish Christmas cookies this year=exciting! The Poles usually make at least 12 types of cookies at Christmastime--all kinds of miniature cookies! It's a site to see!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Positive Thoughts
Now that I got that last post out of my system, I think it's best to move on to more positive thoughts. I learned something from a friend the other day. The way that she deals with bad days or slumps is to focus on good things. She has a poster of things that make her happy, even very simple things. I've decided to learn from her, and do the same thing. I guess I'll start here and now. Things I like about myself, and things that just make me happy.
Train rides
Road trips/train trips
English
Speaking Polish with a native without any/many problems
Talking about Bible related things with my students, and answering questions about things that matter to them.
Helping other people, especially when I've been through the same thing they are struggling with, or need help with.
Happy students
Students who draw me things on the chalkboard before I get to class
Ice cream
Dove chocolates
Chocolate chip cookies
My mommy and daddy
My nieces and nephews
My brothers
Driving
Watching movies
Singing good Lutheran hymns
Hearing good Lutheran sermons
Theological discussions
comfortable shoes
summer
tulips
orchids
purple
blue
facebook
hardunger
Melvyn Bragg (author)
good books
a nice walk with a friend
a nice talk with a friend
my cat sleeping on my lap, or my arm like now :)
a clean apartment
a warm, fuzzy Christmas with family
Thanksgiving
pumpkin pie
turkey
the scene of a Christmas tree with pretty decorations on and presents underneath
swimming
being fit :)
a Meryl Streep movie
Mamma Mia!
ABBA
FEEL
Doing an activity in class that makes my students feel special and smart
getting dressed up to go out
dancing
singing
washing my car (when I had one)
getting a postcard or letter from a friend
playing the piano
playing the violin (don't know if I still can!)
sharing something about God/Jesus with someone and getting positive feedback
mission trips to poor areas of the world
visiting old people in nursing homes (they LOVE it!)
my great-grandma Luckow (she's 85! and a ball of fire!)
coloring
drawing
flying
listening to a good friend play the organ (he's awesome!)
looking at pictures
wasting time :)
mowing the lawn
cooking or baking with or for someone, but not alone or just for me
Pani Sonia's buleczki (Mrs. Sonia's sandwiches)
Palermo pizza (I live above this pizzeria)
knowing my family and friends are safe and happy
being a student!! I love it!!
hugs
decorating
journaling (used to...haven't done it for a long time)
talking education with people
the first snow of the year (only!)
springtime
summertime
flowers
lilacs
The Sound of Music
London
Krakow
Lebanon
learning languages
surprises
surprising people
making a difference for the better
good leaders
Nebraska
Minnesota lakes
the Northern Lights
Driving a backhoe, excavator, or dozer
Driving my dad's work truck, a one-ton
writing someone a letter
getting off an airplane (especially the long ones) and walking through the tunnels
walking on those walkways or whatever they're called at the big airports...they help you go quicker...love those things! I couldn't stop smiling, laughing the first time I walked on one (maybe in Minneapolis)
word finds
mountains
fishing
hiking
taking pictures
my college English professor
weekends in Slovakia :)
New things:
Roasted chestnuts-yum!
Vienna
Well, that's all I have time for now, and probably more than you have time to read! I'm going to try to keep adding things... I'm already in a better mood! :)
Now I think it's showertime, wash dishes, and head to bed time.
G'night y'all!
Train rides
Road trips/train trips
English
Speaking Polish with a native without any/many problems
Talking about Bible related things with my students, and answering questions about things that matter to them.
Helping other people, especially when I've been through the same thing they are struggling with, or need help with.
Happy students
Students who draw me things on the chalkboard before I get to class
Ice cream
Dove chocolates
Chocolate chip cookies
My mommy and daddy
My nieces and nephews
My brothers
Driving
Watching movies
Singing good Lutheran hymns
Hearing good Lutheran sermons
Theological discussions
comfortable shoes
summer
tulips
orchids
purple
blue
hardunger
Melvyn Bragg (author)
good books
a nice walk with a friend
a nice talk with a friend
my cat sleeping on my lap, or my arm like now :)
a clean apartment
a warm, fuzzy Christmas with family
Thanksgiving
pumpkin pie
turkey
the scene of a Christmas tree with pretty decorations on and presents underneath
swimming
being fit :)
a Meryl Streep movie
Mamma Mia!
ABBA
FEEL
Doing an activity in class that makes my students feel special and smart
getting dressed up to go out
dancing
singing
washing my car (when I had one)
getting a postcard or letter from a friend
playing the piano
playing the violin (don't know if I still can!)
sharing something about God/Jesus with someone and getting positive feedback
mission trips to poor areas of the world
visiting old people in nursing homes (they LOVE it!)
my great-grandma Luckow (she's 85! and a ball of fire!)
coloring
drawing
flying
listening to a good friend play the organ (he's awesome!)
looking at pictures
wasting time :)
mowing the lawn
cooking or baking with or for someone, but not alone or just for me
Pani Sonia's buleczki (Mrs. Sonia's sandwiches)
Palermo pizza (I live above this pizzeria)
knowing my family and friends are safe and happy
being a student!! I love it!!
hugs
decorating
journaling (used to...haven't done it for a long time)
talking education with people
the first snow of the year (only!)
springtime
summertime
flowers
lilacs
The Sound of Music
London
Krakow
Lebanon
learning languages
surprises
surprising people
making a difference for the better
good leaders
Nebraska
Minnesota lakes
the Northern Lights
Driving a backhoe, excavator, or dozer
Driving my dad's work truck, a one-ton
writing someone a letter
getting off an airplane (especially the long ones) and walking through the tunnels
walking on those walkways or whatever they're called at the big airports...they help you go quicker...love those things! I couldn't stop smiling, laughing the first time I walked on one (maybe in Minneapolis)
word finds
mountains
fishing
hiking
taking pictures
my college English professor
weekends in Slovakia :)
New things:
Roasted chestnuts-yum!
Vienna
Well, that's all I have time for now, and probably more than you have time to read! I'm going to try to keep adding things... I'm already in a better mood! :)
Now I think it's showertime, wash dishes, and head to bed time.
G'night y'all!
Thoughts Which Plague Me
So, the most recent plaguing thoughts have been rooted in time and how I spend it. Quite often, I feel guilty about how I spend my time. Some would say I waste my time, even I might say this. I only say it's wasted because I could be getting other things done that are, perhaps, more important, not because I don't enjoy wasting time (mostly). But what I can't understand is how my flat can get so utterly messy in a matter of a couple of days, sometimes not even! This leads me to another frustration: I used to be a neat freak. Now, I am neat, or try to be, but it's not high on the list of important things. I credit a few things to this change: having a total opposite for a roommate in college and having to compromise my cleanliness for something in between. There's also the fact that I've realized there are much more important things in life than keeping a spic 'n' span residence...that came after my "vacation" to Lebanon. For those of you who don't know, I traveled to Lebanon about two years ago to do some mission work with a friend, to arrive and days later, have a war start between Hizbollah (the guerilla army in Lebanon) and Israel. Well, that ended in me being evacuated with most of the country (except for my friend and her family, friends, co-workers, etc.). After which I experienced what the doc said was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...or shell shock. Well, anyway, back to my point, cleaning didn't hold it's high position like before after that experience. However, it is still important. But how can I convince myself to not make a mess? Or to simply put something back after I've used it?
Does this change after you're married? Or after you have kids? Do you become a cleaner, neater, more organized, disciplined person? If so, I want a husband and child right now!
Even my thoughts aren't very organized tonight.
Well, there are several things that I don't like about myself. Lack of cleaning often enough that I don't have to make a day out of it when I do is one of those things. Not working before playing is another. Not sitting up straight another. Hating to cook is yet another. Being disorganized when I used to, as a kid, be so so so utterly organized it was sickening is another. Not being so good at math these days... forgetting things as though I'm an 80-year old woman with Alzheimers... being grumpy sometimes... not knowing what I want in life... not knowing where I'm going... being in a culture other than my own and feeling like everyone hates me--and letting that conquer my thoughts more often than not. Writing posts like these.
I continue to hope that marrying and having children will change these not-so-good qualities into more loving, self-sacrificing, God-centered thoughts and qualities.
The next post will be more uplifting, I swear.
Does this change after you're married? Or after you have kids? Do you become a cleaner, neater, more organized, disciplined person? If so, I want a husband and child right now!
Even my thoughts aren't very organized tonight.
Well, there are several things that I don't like about myself. Lack of cleaning often enough that I don't have to make a day out of it when I do is one of those things. Not working before playing is another. Not sitting up straight another. Hating to cook is yet another. Being disorganized when I used to, as a kid, be so so so utterly organized it was sickening is another. Not being so good at math these days... forgetting things as though I'm an 80-year old woman with Alzheimers... being grumpy sometimes... not knowing what I want in life... not knowing where I'm going... being in a culture other than my own and feeling like everyone hates me--and letting that conquer my thoughts more often than not. Writing posts like these.
I continue to hope that marrying and having children will change these not-so-good qualities into more loving, self-sacrificing, God-centered thoughts and qualities.
The next post will be more uplifting, I swear.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Movement to Bring Back Arranged Marriages Starts Here
That's right. I'm giving up. I quit. The end. El Fin. Koniec. Stop.
I'm impatient. Granted, I'm not feeling and I haven't been feeling all that impatient lately, but this is an occasion to blog about something I think we've lost in our culture (on a semi-serious note): arranged marriages. Life would be so much easier if we still practiced arranged marriages. Granted, this could mean our parents picking out our spouses, but I've talked about this with my mom, even asked her (recently) who she would set me up with if this were still the practice and the norm today. And I confess: not a bad choice. A sensible one. The guy she picks is a guy I've been friends with for, for about 7 years. We're good friends. It's a good place to start, right? We don't have to know everything or like everything about each other...that's what marriage is all about anyway, right? (Ok, that and procreation.) But people change through the course of a marriage anyway, so why not marry someone when maybe you don't know them very well, and when they've been hand-picked by your parents who probably know you better than you think they do?
So, basically, if my parents had a dowry for me (or whichever way that works) I'd be okay with it. Granted, kids may not be something my parents would get for a long time...
And on top of that, I could quit worrying about being an old maid, and get back to focusing on life at hand. Right? Or do we always worry about the future?
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